Caught in the Act

Tonight after finishing a chapter in my book, I got up to grab some water. On my way to the kitchen, I passed David who was surfing the net. He tried to switch the screen to a new page, but it was too late. I'd all ready seen the site he was on.
"Damn it David, why do you have to keep going there?"
"Because I'm a grown man, and if I want to look at what's out there, I have every right to."
"You know how much it bothers me when you go to those sites. We have 2 small kids in the house, and you know I don't want them exposed to that crap."
He's addicted to these sites, and I don't like it, not one bit.
I'm talking about the gun sites. Where you can customize and order whatever weapon your hard little heart desires. He also likes checking out the message boards, where the rednecks like to gather and brag about the velocity on their weapons, and how many beer cans they can knock over without having to reload.
I'm all about the right to bear arms, but not for everyone, and ESPECIALLY not for David. This is a guy who will turn our vehicle into a moving weapon if someone pisses him off in traffic, while the kids and I helplessly hold on to the door handles hoping the car doesn't go airborn and we end up getting sliced in half by a guard rail.
I can't even take him to the store without having to worry about him getting pissed off and having to restrain him so he doesn't mow down another shopper with the shopping cart.
So, the last thing he needs is a weapons cache. I just want what's in his best interest. I know it'll just be a matter of time, once he has a gun, until he uses it and ends up in prison.
Anyways, I headed into the kitchen with the parting words of, "Well, don't expect me to bring you cartons of cigarettes for trade when I come to visit you in prison.."

Still Life, Strawberries, Sugar & Cream

Today I played with my newest toy.. Water color crayons. You can color with it like a crayon and dip it in water to paint with. I'm buying 5 more boxes tomorrow.

School Rules!

1st off, the midterm went well and I'm pretty sure I'll score high on it. YIPPIE!
And now, as my course begins a downhill decline, Garrett's school year is almost at an end.
I really can't wait to have the kids home all Summer, even though I'm really going to miss the free entertainment offered at the school.
I have a special spot I always park at after school. It's a great spot because he can get into the car without having to cross any streets, and best of all it gives me a good view of the school courtyard.
To them, it appears that I'm sitting in my car, doing a crossword as I wait for my kid. Unknownst to them, I'm actually quietly watching and observing their every movement from behind the dark tinted windows.
There are several groups of parents that rule the courtyard.
We have the "dog ladies" who walk to the school with their dog. Since dogs aren't allowed in the courtyard, they loiter directly in front of the gate leading to it. To get to the school, you have to go through them. One lady has a penchant for dressing her beagle up in ridiculous outfits. Around Christmas, her and the dog both wore matching Santa hats.
Then we have the day care workers who are there to pick up other peoples kids. They roll in wheeling these industrial sized strollers designed to seat multiple kids. Once in the courtyard, they gather together on "their bench" and sit around discussing the latest in the day care world as the toddlers run around freely, chasing each other with sticks and hurling rocks at unsuspecting people passing by.
The group of most interest is what I've come to call the Sperm and Egg gang. There's this unsuspecting father who shows up every day for his daughter, and a few of the bored, lonely housewives have taken notice of him. Everyday, I see him standing underneath a tree, and like sperm to an egg, these wives gravitate to him, each one trying to get his attention. You can totally tell too. At the beginning of the year, they'd show up wearing the stay at home mom uniform of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and after taking notice of him, they started showing up wearing makeup and tiny shirts with things like "Princess" written across the front in glitter. What cracks me up is that they all hate each other, and whoever's talking to him, receives dirty looks from the other women.
One woman tried to impress him by riding to school on one of those dorky razor scooters, so I'd see her circling all of them like an atom.
He doesn't seem to say a whole lot, and once his daughter shows up, he's out of there.
This Summer I'll miss watching the courtyard like it's an ant farm.

Artsy Fartsy

On Wednesday I have a midterm exam for Art History class. For the exam, I have to discuss a series of influental artist and name specific works art that came about with the rise of the machine age.
I have no idea how I'm going to memorize the correct spellings for everyone and everything.
I love this course, but I REALLY wish these guys had names like, Tom Smith,,, Rob Jones,,, Brad Pitt.
It also would of been a bold statement,in the art world, if they'd all named their pieces with a nice single syllable name, ie, "Box", "Cone", "Nekkid"....
So, tonight, I'll be writing the hard to spell words out, 10 times each, just like we use to do in grade school.. Damn not being able to bring in notes!!!!

Tales From the Passion Party

I went to my 1st Passion Party this weekend. Stephanie, the super cool single girl, asked me if I'd like to go, and since it got me off the hook for cooking dinner, I went.

When we got there, I got a chance to meet some of the other girls who live in the barracks. And they were a really nice, lively bunch. Out of a group of about 20, only 3 of us were married with kids.

The 1st "ice breaker" game involved having to give ourselves points for having had sex in a wide variety of settings. The single girls, totally raked in the points.. There were hoots, hollers and high 5's doled out amongst them as a trail of smoke wafted from their pencil and paper.

Then there were the married women, like myself, who sat there with a confused look on our faces, KNOWING that we might have once had sex on a major appliance at one time in our lives, but not quite sure of when, where or what it was.. I did figure out that I would have scored a lot more points if I'd played this when Bush's father was still in office and when the dark cloud of the Clinton era loomed over the American people.

Around the 3rd question, I decided it was pathetic it was for me to even TRY to play this game, so I just smiled politely and drew little stick people on my paper, so it'd look like I was still in the game.

I tried really hard to be happy for the girl who won, and stood up with her arms raised, doing a victory dance, which lifted her shirt up to reveal perfect washboard abs that hadn't been turned into a rippling pile of loose flesh from pregnancies past -BITCH!!

I did however win when we played "naughty Bingo". So, I got a cute little plastic heart filled with rose scented soap flakes.

The see and pass around session was interesting. I was especially interested in seeing the $159 vibrator. I mean, what would make a vibrator worth $159???? I was very disappointed to find nothing particularly special about it, and it was just like the $20 models. Just a quivering mound of plastic with a hefty price tag. For a $159 you'd think it'd have a car engine propelling it, and a DC connection. But nope, it was just your standard issue battery operated vibrator.

I spent A LOT less than the single girls did, who broke their credit cards ordering things which would have the motor burned out in a few days and creams that would be used up within a week.

After going through the order form and crossing out the things that would only amount to extra laundry duty and the potential for embarassment, if my children were to find it, I decided on getting a huge tub of strawberry scented nipple cream which was recommended as being an excellent lip balm.

I got a chance to sample some of it, and it made my lips feel really tingly and smooth. Good stuff. So, I got the family sized jar of it. Being genetically prone to chapped lips and passing this gene along to my kids, has made lip balm a precious comodity in this house.

Overall, it was a fun evening and it was refreshing to be around young girls, who were like I was 10 years ago, living carefee lives with their futures a blank, promising slate before them.

And as we spilled out into the night, them on their way to a club for a night of drinking and dancing, and me on my way home to bathe the kids and kick my feet up with a good book, it felt pretty good to know that my days of swimming in the singles cesspool were over. Yeah, my life isn't anywhere near as glamerous as the "Sex and the City" girls I'd hung out with tonight, but it was nice to know that I had someone I could count on waiting for me at home, and I won't be needing $100 worth of human sundae making equipment to keep him here.

You have GOT to be kidding me

Sorry folks, I'm too lazy to find out how to set up links, but check this out, copy and paste it on your address bar.

http://www.gainesville.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050421/LOCAL/204210361/1078/news

Commentary

1.) Don't you just love the "traumatized" look on the kids face? I think it's because he knows that when the kids at school find out, he's so getting his ass kicked. If I was him, I wouldn't even go back to school ever again.

2.) Um, how many 12 year old boys would come running to an adult to say that they were doing "nasty stuff" on t.v.? Shit, most 12 year old boys would have realized that they'd found a gold mine, turned it off before grandma came back, and stashed it away under their mattress for many nights of spanking pleasure.

3.) It's so obvious that this is just another one of the many scams people set up to try to cash in on our totally f*cked frivilous lawsuit system.

Don't Eat and Read This

You have been warned...
A friend of mine is currently picking plaque away as she works her way through dental school, and even though her schedule is totally insane, we manage to touch base once in awhile.
One of her instructors shared a story,with the class, about an old lady who came in to be seen. Apparently this lady had been wearing her dentures for YEARS without taking them out. (I can only imagine the stench that wafted from her wrinkled lips as she cracked them open to be examined.)
Anyhow, his assistant had the "lovely" job of pulling the dentures off for the exam, and when she did, she found a bunch of little worms that had decided to set up camp underneath her dental work .
Ew!

For Bastya

I saw this at www.petdiscounters and thought of you:

You should print it out and leave it where Tall Thing will find it when she returns.

Shiver Me Timbers

Just got done downloading some songs off of Napster for my mp3 player.

I downloaded songs by The Wiggles.

My kids haven't willingly watched The Wiggles for over a year and 1/2. Sometimes, I still put one of the tapes in so I can watch that hottie Captain Feathersword shake his ass.

I was mad because Napster didn't have my favorite Wiggles song, Do the Wiggle Groove. hmmph..

Don't know what it is about this man, but I so have GOT to get David into a Capt. Feathersword costume.

Birthday Boy

Kyle is now 4, that means he can now take a full Scooby Doo vitamin instead of 1/2 of one. He can also go on a few more rides at the amusement parks than he was able to last Summer.
His Birthday went well and he got to have 2 parties, one at Montessori with his school friends and one here at home with his family. The kid made out like a bandit with his presents.

Lots of presents were opened.

He loved the GI Joe cake I ordered for him.
The boys really dig GI Joe, and anything military in general. In a few years, you'll know which house is ours, it'll be the one with all the crater holes and explosions coming from the back yard.

After taking a break to eat cake, more presents were opened.
By now, Kyle was starting to get bored with opening his presents and crankiness was starting to take over his demeanor.

Happy 4th Birthday Kyle!
* * *
Sidenote:
Who ever advertised this toy as looking like this:

And then packaged it like this:

Deserves to be shot execution style.
This toy has so many freakin miniscule pieces, it's going to take weeks to put together. AND I know that once we finally get it together, the kids are eventually going to decide to take it apart, and then ask me to rebuild it again. It'll be a never ending cycle of HELL.

Window Porn

5 days ago, I happened to glance out the kitchen window when I spotted them.
There they were for all the world to see, bumpin their uglies together, and they didn't give a damn who saw them.
For the past 5 days, each time I've looked out that window, there they are having sex.
Good grief! 5 days in a row!!!!
I've nicknamed them Max Hardcore and Jenna Jameson.

Isn't it weird when insects get stuck together by the ass?

In Which we have another Bun

Bloggers, meet D.D's other half, Dexter.

This is his portfolio shot from when he tried out to be the next Cadbury Bunny.
Needless to say, he didn't get the spot, which came with a lifetime supply of free Cadbury Eggs. Instead a little bitch Florida White rabbit won the auditions. (It's believed that shady deals were made during the auditions, so none of the other rabbits had a chance.)
Of our 2 rabbits, he's the cuddliest and is always coming over for a nice scratch around the ears. He also likes it when I brush his hair, I like to make his mane fluff up into long, whispy peaks, just like a real lion.
Note the long hair around his head. He hails from a fairly new to the U.S. breed which originated here in Germany. He is a Siamese Lionhead Rabbit. There are a lot of different colorings these fluffy little guys come in, and his coloring is just like a Siamese cat's. It's hard to tell in these pictures since he's laying down, but his head, legs and tail are a much darker color than the rest of his fur.
His eyes are red, which gives him a demon bunny look, but inspite of his intimidating appearance, he's a real angel.
He is also a verrrry good house rabbit. Unlike his girlfriend, he has excellant impulse control and he very seldomly tries to chew up anything. Like D.D., he also litter trained REALLY fast.

Posin til Closin

This is his favorite hangout, he likes to go here when he wants to be left alone.

Here we have the happy couple.
99% of the time he can be found cuddling with D.D. They make a good pair, and as long as D.D. recognizes that he's the Alpha Bunny in charge, they get along just fine.

5,5,5,25

On the 5th, Kyle will officially be 4 years old! It's weird because he was born on the 5th day of the 5th month at 5:25. Notice all the 5's? 5x5=25, weird... I have a sneaking suspicion that 5's his lucky number.

Almost 4 years ago, about an hour away from where we live, we were having a fun filled family day with Garrett, and partaking in some illegal offroading, when I unexpectedly went into labor.
I calmly told my husband that we needed to get back to K-town, but we had plenty of time until I'd give birth. (I said this so he wouldn't drive like a maniac-turns out I didn't have to worry about that.)
To this day, if we're arguing, I'll remind my husband how rotten it was that he dropped his uniforms off at Alterations to have patches sewn on, because they were going to be closed soon. (I warned him that if he did this, he'd spend the rest of his life being reminded of it... He should've heeded my warning)
Our neighbors watched Garrett for us, and laughed because I hadn't finished packing a hospital bag, so I was running around trying to grab last minute things.
At the hospital, the elevator was broken, so we had to climb a flight of stairs to get to Labor and Delivery. At that point, it was the last thing I wanted to do, and David almost had to carry me.
The people working at the check in counter were idiots and took forever to get us situated, David ended up demanding that they get me into a room and onto a bed. (I was doubled over by the counter and crawling by that point). Things picked up soon after that.
I didn't get any pain relief, because David kept talking me out of it, even though I was in the dreaded BACK LABOR... It makes a HUGE difference which way the baby's facing when you're pushing him out. But, in the long run, I'm really glad I had both of my kids without taking drugs. I think it made the birthing experience even more fullfilling for my spirit than I think it would have been if I'd had myself numbed up.
Within a few hours after we arrived, Kyle came into the world.
He cried A LOT during the early months. I cried A LOT during the early months. We made quite a duet.
For over a year, I was the only person he trusted. He didn't like ANYONE except for me, I couldn't leave the room without him.
I put him in Montessori school, part time, shortly after he turned one and he HATED it at first and had to be held back by the teacher so he wouldn't chase after me when I left. (My heart broke every time I had to drop him off)
Now he's a smart little guy with 3 years of Montessori school under his belt. He's still young enough to let me cuddle with him on occasion, but old enough to argue with me when he disagrees.
Hurray for turning 4!