BIG ASS Ugly Bug

Imagine for a moment that the sun's shining and it looks like it's going to be a pretty nice day.
And with the anticipation of warm weather up ahead, you decide it's time to wash away all the winter dirt and get the balcony cleaned up for those warm Summer days spent sitting on a lawn chair, drinking ice tea and reading a good book.
And since your balcony does not have a water tap, you're having to carry out buckets of warm, soapy water from the kitchen.
But, that's ok.
Anyways, as you throw the first bucket of water down, you happen to notice something floating out from behind a flower pot, riding on a wave of bubbly water.
You can't help noticing this THING because it's so big, shiny and black and it looks like this....


EEK!!!
Upon meeting Mr.Scary Bug, who had become capsized and was now angrily clicking his spindly legs around trying to get back on his belly, I threw down the bucket and came screaming back into the house, slamming the balcony door behind me to keep the evil monster at bay.
David's look of concern was replaced with a look of disgust, which included much eye rolling when I told him that he needed to get out there and kill the big ass, ugly bug that I found.
"Ok honey, I'll go kill that "big" bug you found." *giggle,giggle*
"FUCK OFF, I'm not kidding, this thing's fucking huge."
"Yeah, ok." *rolls eyes*
After walking onto the balcony, he came back in within seconds of seeing it and slammed the door behind him. "Oh my GOD! That thing's fucking HUGE!!! Did you see the pinchers on that thing?"
"Told ya..." *smug look*
Well, he got rid of it all right. Being a man who believes in live and let live regardless of how ugly the beast may be, David decided the best course of action would be to quickly scoop it up with a shovel and fling it off of the balcony.
Once it was gone, I could laugh about it. Especially when I imagined the horror for a person who could have been walking by at that moment, to suddenly have this big ass beast suddenly land on their head. (but, that didn't happen-but it could've and it would've been hilarious)
Later we came to find out that it was a Rhino beetle, and it's a good thing we didn't kill it because it's some kind of protected species here in Germany and if you kill one, you can get a pretty hefty fine for it.
Through research, I found out that in some 3rd world villages, these are considered pretty fine pets and are walked on leashes.
Here's a picture of a pretty healthy specimen.

"Shudder"

In which we have a Bun

Bloggers, meet D.D.

Cute isn't she?
Everything about her screams cute, from the little white diamond of fur on her nose to the little white tips of her paws, which look like she dipped them into milk. Unfortunately, a picture cannot capture the delicate movements she hops around with on her dainty little toes, but as you can see, this appears to be the picture of an angel...
HA!! If you ONLY knew. Here are 3 examples of her sweetness...


Weather stripping made a tasty treat one day.

Yummy carpet!

And nothing makes better roughage than wood that's been turned into furniture!
* * *
While we're still trying to harness her desire to chew everything that gets in her way, I have to say that her litter box skills are perfect, and that's the only bargaining chip I have left with David, and it's one that's carrying less and less weight.
It's actually not very difficult to prevent our things from being destroyed, you catch her in the act, spritz her with the water bottle and then she stops. When I've got her out, she NEVER chews on things because she knows I'll catch her.
But, she knows that when David's in charge, she just has to wait until he's locked onto the computer and the living room is all hers. Such a smart little thing!
Last night I came into the living room prepared to watch t.v. David was surfing the net and oblivious to his surroundings, so I guess that's why he didn't hear the crunching sounds coming from behind the t.v.
I heared it before my ass even landed on the couch...
Yup, there she was, hiding behind the t.v. stand with a guilty look on her face. And laying beside her was a partially chewed wire.
This snapped David back to reality and he leaped up out of the chair to chase her into the rabbit hutch and lock her up for the night.
During this little roundup he muttered in strange tounges something about giving her away to some guy who has a python...
She knew she was wrong too, and as she took off, you could see the white underside of her raised tail waving frantically like a warning flag, "Oh oh! Master's PISSED!!!"
Things got interesting after "Mr.Fix It" made his assessment and decided the wire would need to be wrapped up in electrical tape.
I made a gender observation.
If it was just me fixing it, I'd grab the electrical tape and that'd be it.
But, with a MAN it's gotta be more complicated. Out came the tool box, and a whole bevvie of gear. (I was tempted to ask him if he'd like me to grab the drill and electric saw for him, but he was allready pissed off and I didn't want to add any fuel to the fire.)
Anyways, after what looked like some complicated manuevering, the wire was nicely encased in electrical tape and all was good again.
Anyways, it's been decided that D.D. is no longer allowed out when it's just David around to "supervise".

Brushing with Power

After dropping Garrett off at school and Kyle at Montessori, I went over to the dental clinic for my scheduled cleaning exam.
I am what dental hygenist refer to as a "Power Brusher". Which means I use more pressure than necessary to brush my teeth. Today's hygenist gave me a lasting impression of her, by tapping on a root exposed nerve with the sharp point of the pick and saying, "See, in this area, your gum line is really ground down, and it's just gonna get worse if you don't lighten up on your toothbrush."
I've been told this for years, but it hasn't really affected me until now. So, youngins, learn from my mistake and relax the grip on your toothbrush. Getting carpral tunnel syndrome is not necessary when brushing.
This concludes today's dental lesson, you may be excused.

Laundry Wars

That's it! I have had it!!!!
It's hard to be mad at someone when you know that they had nothing but good intentions, but how many more bras must be destroyed in the sacrificial spin cycle? When will the madness end????
In marriage, it's good to divvy up responsibilities based on the best person for the job.
One of my responsibilities is laundry, and it's a job which I take very seriously. I even rotate these color coded magnets on the washer, so I know which type of load I'll be washing each night.
Even though I'm always on top of the laundry mountain, and no one has ever had to pick around the dirty clothes pile to find something to wear, every now and again, David will decide to lend a helping hand.
Or shall I say, an apoplectic hand?
I really appreciate that he wants to give me one less thing to do, but it just doesn't help if it means throwing in as much as possible, until the washers' lid needs to be jumped on, to close it. Then throwing it all into the dryer on high heat and calling it a day.
Through trial and error, I have mastered the basics of laundry.
* * *
Delicates are not to be thrown in with jeans, the zippers will slice through the spaghetti straps on a night gown faster than Jason in a slasher flick.

There are things which should never be placed in the dryer.

Some things require hand washing, and then laid out to air dry.

And for the love of God, NEVER put whites in with bright colors.
* * *
I unsuspectingly emerged from taking a bath last night, prepared to tackle the laundry, and found that David has decided to give it a jump start.
"Oh, I see you decided to start the wash."
His eyes narrow slightly, "I thought you'd appreciate the help, but from your voice tone, it sounds like you don't."
The washer pops open with little help as the jam packed mess inside fights to get free.
I take a deep breath, and begin unloading it into the dryer. However, something catches my eye.
It's my $50 bra. I have pampered this bra, lovingly hand washing it and carefully shaping the cups before drying. Now, it's tightly wound around the inside of the washer, in some freak bondage display.
I carefully release it and begin my examination. "Oh my God, I can't believe you put this in the washer!"
"So, what's the big deal?"
"Look at the cups, they're both inverted inside, I'll look like I have inverted nipples when I wear it. And the straps are frayed now."
"So, just wear it with a loose fitting shirt that covers up your shoulders."
"WHAT? Are you kidding me? I paid $50 for this, and you're just gonna pass it off as if it's nothing."
"WHAT?!? You paid $50 for a BRA!"
oh, oh, I don't like where this is going, it's time to back pedal away from the cost.
"You don't understand, you should never throw a good bra like this in the washer, they get shredded in the spin cycle. I always hand wash them, that's why we always have bras drying on the heater."
"$50 for a BRA!!!"
Time to back pedal in another direction.
"$50 is NOTHING when you consider how much you use to spend on the Jeep."
"No way, that's TOTALLY different. At least a Jeep gets you someplace."
"Well, let's look at it as being a lift kit for my tits."
Hurray! He laughed and had forgotten the money portion of this debate.
Anyhow, after some bargaining and compromise, I got the all clear to order 2 new $50 bras and a promise to leave the laundry alone.
We'll see how long it lasts. Now if only I could get him to help fold the clothes.

Dachau Concentration Camp

Here are some pictures from the Concentration Camp. I have decided to just post these pictures without captions so they can speak for themselves.
-JueDee

Munich

Here are some pictures from Munich.
First we roamed around the gardens at the Nymphenburg Palace. Heh,heh, Nymph...


Then we got a driving tour of the city before they turned us loose to explore on our own for a few hours.

After a quick walk through of a few places, we decided to have desserts at an outdoor cafe until the Hard Rock Cafe opened.
I tore into the chocolate cake which was smothered in vanilla liqour and chocolate sauce with black cherries floating around in it all.
By the time we fiinished eating, the Hard Rock Cafe had opened for lunch. I decided to just have a cappucino because the cake had filled me up.
Our waiter was cool and when asked about his perfect English, it was discovered that he was an American married to an oprah singer who performed in Munich.
Here's an interesting character I noticed while walking around: Note the feather duster in his hat.

I believe he's a Bavarian Pimp.

Vacation-All I Ever Wanted

On Saturday I got together with 3 other girls for a trip to Munich and the Dachau Concentration Camp.
Stephanie was the token, super cool, single girl who works with all of our husbands. I just LOVE this girl. She's really great with my kids and keeps me entertained with her endless stream of stories.
The other 2 girls are mom's, like myself, and so they don't get to venture out alone very often either.
Somehow we managed to coordinate it with the guys, to watch the kids and let us venture out for the entire day. This part was a little dicey, since we weren't sure if they'd all go along with it. After discussing it amongst themselves, it was decided that it wouldn't be too bad since they could all get together, fire up the bar b que and let the kids destroy the playroom as they cracked opened a few brews and chowed down on chicken wings. (Thank God they didn't make my home the meet up place for their little Daddy Day Care!)
Anyways, the tour bus pulled away at 2 in the morning and we were on our way. I've decided to devote this entry to the bus ride, and I'll make a separate entry about being in Munich and going to Dachau.
I got to have the window seat going down there, and sat with Stephanie. The other 2 moms sat across the aisle from us. And since all of us had decided to stay up until the trip started, we immediately settled in for some sleep.
Or should I say, TRIED to settle in for some sleep.
Leaning against the window rattled my skull so much I thought my fillings were gonna come lose, so I improvised by curling up in various spine busting maneuvers. Eventually, I did sleep, not a whole lot, but it was better than nothing.
Around 7, the bus pulled into some German version of a truck stop and we all got out to have breakfast.
The 4 of us blazed a trail to the bathroom. While in the stall, my blurry, blood shot eyes noticed a silver holder mounted to the wall. And inside this holder there were some sort of pamphlet like things with just the tops sticking out.
Across the tops I noticed a drawing of a gun.
What the fuck? My interest was piqued, and so I pulled it out further and was even more surprised to discover that these "pamphlets" were actually "The Lady Bag" and in the fine print, visitors to the stall were instructed, in German, to dispose of their tampons and pads using "The Lady Bag".
Of course, I had to keep one of these, so I took one for a souvenir.
Observe:


After our potty break, we made our way to the breakfast buffet.
Unfortunately, Germans have different expectations for breakfast than Americans do. I was in the mood for some good greasy spoon food. Amongst the mountains of pastries and cold cuts, the closest I could find to satisfy my craving were what appeared to be slices of fried ham.
I spear-headed a slice with my fork and plopped it into the biggest bowl I could find. (The plates were further down the buffet line, and I was in no mood to walk the 3 feet it took to get over there.)
As I cut into this piece of "ham" I was surprised at how easily my fork penetrated it.
Wow! This must be some pretty good pork. I envisioned the swine it came from, spending their entire lifetime being massaged and fed the finest swine food. That's how tender it was.
I popped it into my mouth and was both shocked and disgusted to discover that this was not just any slice of fried pork.
I'm sure it had some pork in it, as well as a whole slew of other meats such as cow tails and rooster crowns.
But what it boiled down to was being worlds largest slice of bread shaped hot dog. Having kids, I KNOW a hot dog when I eat one. And that's what this was.
Anyways, I decided to pass on breakfast, and enjoyed a glass of orange and carrot juice.

Here is the offending hot dog loaf
We arrived in Munich around 8, and I'll write about that in my next entry since I decided to devote this one to the actual bus ride.
On the way back, Stephanie sat by the window and I leaned against her to sleep. After some silly banter and a good 15 minutes or so of repeating our favorite "Napoleon Dynamite" lines, we decided it was time to crash.
I promised not to drool on her jacket and she replied, in a totally serious voice, "If you do, I'll never wash this jacket ever again."
OMG!! I totally lost it and started cracking up, unfortunately, I also lost control of my sphincter and ended up busting ass REALLY LOUD.
We were both nearly in tears laughing about it. It's all good though, because it's bark was worse than it's bite. "The bark heared around the bus"
We also had to fill out a questionnaire about how we felt about the trip. In the suggestion box, Stephanie wrote down:
"I'd really like to go to a wild zoo so we could see the Ligers" next to this was a stick picture of a wild liger going "Grrrrr".
I leave you with this final image. I saw this resteraunt in Munich and it cracked me up.

Wok me like a hurricane!